There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
