it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
