Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
