I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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