God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
