She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
