can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
