im about as happy as oj after his trial
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
