someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
