Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
