what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
