Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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