Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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