my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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