I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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