just tell him i said nine months
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
