I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
