So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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