My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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