Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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