Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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