Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
