Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
