its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
