I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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