he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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