This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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