First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I love you. Go after that dick
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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