Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
