just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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