I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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