I met the friendliest cop last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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