how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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