I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
