I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize