I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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