And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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