My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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