he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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