Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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