Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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