there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I pour the whiskey from now on
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
