worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
