I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
