Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
