evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
