i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize