I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't think brook has ever known best
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
