just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
