____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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