I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
