3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
