i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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