Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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