Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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