When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
