Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
