i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize